Here are some of my fears:
*Before I left for India in October 2017, I was scared of singing anywhere outside the privacy of my car as I hurtled down the coast road. However, a few weeks later and into my 300 hours yoga teacher training I was provided with the spiritual name Kirtan Devi and encouraged to keep singing! As a good girl I followed instructions and you may well have seen me on the beach crooning with the cows… Well this week, I sent an amateur recording of me singing with my harmonium to a yoga colleague who is planning to include it in a yoga podcast! Grateful and bemused!
*I was fearful of cockroaches but I keep travelling with girls who are more scared than me so I have to ‘woman up’ and deal with their scuttling ways… (and scream for help whilst doing it). I also used to be scared of rats. But I just relatively calmly escorted one out of my room whilst writing this blog…
*I was scared that I would go home after this year in India without knowing what my life purpose is. And I was scared about what people would think and how I would ‘defend’ my choices to my concerned family and friends back in the UK. Well, guess what, I fly home in 3 weeks and I remain pretty clueless!
*I was fearful that I would never connect to myself and experience orgasms. But this last month, I have experienced a fulfilling sexual and loving relationship, and I continue to explore the full capacity for spirtual and sexual orgasm that we, men and women, are truly capable of.
*I was fearful people would laugh at me if they knew about my sexual fears and limitations. So I wrote a blog about it and explored tantric healing, and again wrote about it on the Internet.
*I was scared to go to Varanasi alone because it is India at its craziest but I am in the process of heading there solo at the weekend.
*I am scared in headstand that I’ll fall and hurt myself…because I have before! I once crash landed on the edge of a coffee table – don’t recommend it. But today for the first time in about 5 months I got back up in headstand, against the wall. And I understood that this asana shows me how I still need to develop full trust in my body and how fear can still limit me. And to be mindful of my movements, slow down and ensure that there are no coffee tables around….
*I was fearful that I was going to return home to the UK with no money. And after spending a small fortune on 10 weeks of unforgettable and priceless yoga teacher training this year, being rinsed at a private hospital in Delhi (without valid travel insurance), not working for 47 weeks of the last year, but proceeding to eat enthusiastically around India and Nepal, I am returning to the UK with approximately £2,000 to my name. AND armed with a plan to spend all of it on more travel and on a Women’s Circle Yoga Teacher Training course in Thailand in December….
*I was scared of hurting my mother, my family and friends who miss me, because I wanted to continue travelling instead of trying to ‘make life work again’ in the UK. But after admitting how I felt, even my mama supports me in following my heart and my dreams, on the proviso that there’s a long lingering overdue cuddle coming in October.
So you could read the above and think ‘well, this girl has gone totally crazy!’. And that’s one perspective. The other is understanding that I have already taken a leap of faith. And because of living a life in faith, and believing in love, I have committed to trusting the Universe over this last year. And I cannot and do not want to stop now because I feel so much happier and more contented with my life, and in myself (more importantly) than I ever have before. I have surrendered into the unknown and I have begun to trust that fizz of excitement in my heart that has led me into every extraordinary encounter of this last year.
Faith means trusting that the Universe wants me to continue to heal, and to continue to find my way, blindly it appears at times! It is testing me to develop trust, patience and faith. To develop my skills in listening to my heart, to my intuition, and to my fears, so that along the way I will be able to offer you more as I continue to seek how best to serve God.
Fear holds many of us back – it can paralyse us, cause our breath to quicken and our courage to falter. But Faith has Energetically Altered my Reality. It has begun to release me from my misunderstanding of fear and it has led me, inch by inch, closer to realising my dreams. It has brought me love, laughter, pain, release, magic and song. It has brought me new friendships, new beliefs, and the insight to know when I am holding myself back. Fear is the mirror of Faith, it is the opposite of trusting your heart, and that’s why I am so grateful for all of my fears, even the ones that still plague me, because they illuminate what my heart truly wants.
My fear that I cannot afford to travel for much longer shows me that I want desperately to have the continued freedom to explore this amazing World and eat copious amounts of Pad Thai.
My fear that I am running out of time to meet someone and have lots of sex and babies shows me that I want a family, and that I need to be open, honest, and available. Fear of it not happening showed me that I am actually ready for it to happen now. I am ready to gamble with my heart all over again, for the biggest prize of all – my own family of love.
So I invite you to consider what your fears are and to ask yourself what are they actually trying to show you- what is the message from your heart that the slight panicky feeling of anxiety is disguising? Because you can go beyond your fears too, and you can also learn to decipher the language of fear, and translate it into Faith. Fear, like everything, also changes. Your fears now are not the same fears you had when you were 5 years old, unless you still believe the bogey-man lives under your bed! For me, it’s appears to be a rat….
We have the choice whether or not to become beholden to our fears. And instead, I offer you the idea to welcome them, make friends with them and listen to what they are trying to show you. Because having Faith in yourself, if not in God, changes the energy of fear and the impact on your life choices. Ultimately, I have found that faith in something greater than myself has set me free of the trappings of fear, and it does indeed alter your reality.
And this is why I decided it’s time, again, for another leap of faith. This time to Thailand. This time with less expectation. And this time with less fear of what will happen, because I have faith that it is all for my own good. Because I have come so far in learning how to dance with Faith and Fear and surrendering to it all.