A couple of blogs ago I mentioned that I had managed to make yoga stressful due to my Type A personality and the realisations have not stopped there. It appears that I am quite frankly nuttier than a whole nut. Oh, you had already realised this? Well, I am still learning the extent of my madness and it also transpires that I am not comfortable being happy. I am incapable of accepting the good things coming my way. I would rather be nervous and braced for disappointment in things outside of my control despite knowing that everything is actually out of my control except for my own happiness… This is called a cul-de-sac of consciousness. By me.
This isn’t complete news to me as in my late teens my best friend and I used to agree that if you were too happy or excited you would only tempt fate to come and kick you in the genitals (I was kicked in the muff by a girl in the playground when I was 11 and can confirm that it hurts). I used to feel safe with this cynical perspective – I’d put it down to just being Northern and perhaps even a little bit wiser than most – well you wouldn’t go walking in the rain without a waterproof would you?! And this attitude made an appearance in many aspects of my life – sometimes feeling like a fraud as a lawyer – just waiting for a client or a colleague to realise I had no effing clue what Rah v Rah was really about and with men – enjoying that first kiss/first bit of rumpy-pumpy (yeah I read Enid Blyton as a child) but then panicking that it was too soon, that it was all they were after and they would realise someone else would do it better, more often and with more impressive and orgasm inducing moves than me….
In Hinduism they believe in reincarnation and that we repeat experiences in each lifetime, or over many lifetimes, until we learn that particular lesson, pass go and move up a rung to the next hurdle. Exhausting huh? I had one friend ask me recently what I thought I was like in a past life and I told her straight that I’m having enough difficulties over-analysing this one thank you very much! Throughout our lives we develop patterns of behaviour from our experiences in childhood, decisions in later life and by failing to truly listen to our selves, to our souls. We even inherit patterns of behaviour from our ancestors! We quite literally live in Groundhog Day – dating the same types of men/women, reacting to the same problems at work or in life in the same way just with a different cast of characters. Now you don’t have to be a Hindu and believe in reincarnation to practice Yoga, to believe in the science of Yoga, to reap the benefits of Yoga but there are moments when I can see some truth in this belief as I become more aware of how I am repeating behaviours and facing my issues, yet again. And it’s tiring. Part of me believes it would have been easier to have kept sleepwalking through life as I was 18 months ago. But I wasn’t happy then either. A cul-de-sac of consciousness… (catching on?)
I have so much to be grateful for at the moment. There are constant little yoga based opportunities presenting themselves to me and I have been spending joyous amounts of time with good friends from near and afar and a short holiday is on the horizon. I have my health (apart from a bad back – bolsters again!) and I have my family around me in good health and in often irritatingly good humour! There is also my ‘friend with benefits’ who has turned out not to be just a friend after all. It appears that me seeking to ‘control’ that situation with my innate wisdom was in fact bullsh1t and thankfully this said man has stuck around and ignored my clearly stated intentions and wishes… Something we applaud here, I think… I have no idea what will happen next but I do know that he has shown me already that I am totally full of crap and have no idea what is best for me in a romantic sense at all (although I do remain convinced Ryan Gosling and I would work out splendidly).
Sometimes I get a chill down my spine when I cuddle my dog, or watch my parents being them and realise how fleeting life really is and I wonder how much longer I will have them all with me (neglecting that I could actually be the first to reach the next rung of life…) but then the dog will trip me up and one (or both) of my parents will wind me up and normal careless service is resumed. We each have blind spots and mine is focussing on my needs, my heart and putting myself first. I worry too much about doing the right thing by other people. I always assumed I was brave as I stood out alone, fighting along the tide of life without the support of a Partner and I still believe you are better off alone than staying in an unhealthy relationship. But I can see that sometimes, for the right reasons, it is braver to admit you no longer wish to be alone, and to see what someone else can teach you.
So my challenge is to continue to ignore that little voice of doom that pipes up again and again, and to actually let go of my pretty pathetic attempts to control my heart and my life and ‘go with the flow’. To acknowledge that I can’t protect ‘my friend’, myself, or anyone else in my life from sadness, hurt and disappointment. Just writing this is slightly traumatising not only because it’s ‘tempting fate’ but because he will read it, and so will my parents and friends who are rooting for me to find happiness because they can see I deserve it and it’s always been me that’s been on the side-line scared of disappointing them with my disappointments.
Many a cliché is thrown about that life is for living, that we never stop learning, there are no mistakes, it’s all part of the journey, not reaching a destination, and I recognise all this to be true and helpful in my rational mind. 18 months ago my mental health became too compromised for me to carry on with the show and I had to make some changes which led to embracing Yoga and Meditation and then on to travel, adventure and Yoga Teacher Training. In the midst of panic, sadness and anxiety I chose to give it all up and step forward into the unknown, one shaky step at a time. And that’s the lesson I need to remember now – that it’s all just one more step forward, just one at a time, but that sometimes there is a smooch or two along the way.