I may have the worst boss ever. And I have worked for some particular a5Sh0l*s in my time as a lawyer. You may be a little confused and assume that I have taken an employed job again. No, no, I am still self-employed and my Mind is causing havoc!
I am a classic Type A personality. I just googled for a definition:
“A temperament characterized by excessive ambition, aggression, competitiveness, drive, impatience, need for control, focus on quantity over quality and unrealistic sense of urgency. It is commonly associated with risk of coronary disease and other stress-related ailments.” Hello Me.
I have achieved something great in the last week. I have made yoga stressful. Last week involved the following: a Birthing Workshop (in which I discussed sex, stimulating nipples and stretching the perineum with an ex-boyfriend and his pregnant wife), two Pregnancy Yoga classes, one Akhanda Yoga class, two one-to-one yoga sessions, two ‘yoga’ business meetings, a Restore and & Renew class, and I studied, stuffed samosas, and co-hosted an Indian Summer Satsang. I also began planning another ½ day Yoga Workshop and dented my car. Today, Sunday, the day of rest, after packing up my yoga stuff from the night before, I am heading to Manchester to see Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. No rest for the yogic.
Halfway into the week I stopped sleeping. There was and is too much going on in my mind. Good and bad. Worry and daydreams. I want to save the world and help people learn how to be happier through yoga (excessive ambition). I feel disappointed in myself when there are only a few attendees to my classes (focus on quantity but I hope my students don’t feel compromised on quality!). I want to be the best teacher for my students (competitiveness with myself). I have to have the next event in the diary to earn my keep (drive & unrealistic sense of urgency). I don’t know enough (aggression), and I want my own space to live and to teach in (impatience and to save my tennis elbows).
Some of you will have done far more in one day than I have done in the last week and this isn’t a virtual pissing contest. What I am seeking to illustrate is that it is not the events, people and circumstances around us that cause the stress, the health complaints and the sleeping problems. It is our individual patterns of behaviour that we have cultivated that lead us into repeated reactions and spiralling into stress. The positive from this is that I am aware of my behaviour and I am laughing at it. I am not panicking, getting upset or angry when I cannot sleep and I accept the present sleeping situation and I accept myself. Not once did it occur to me as a lawyer that I was facilitating my own decline.
At this time, I need to work on my self-care (don’t worry I do wash regularly unlike my backpacking days). I could do with tidying my bedroom (yes, Mum) as a tidy space leads to a tidy mind. Most of all I need to learn that my excitement for knowledge, for yoga, for sharing, for helping will come at a cost to myself if I don’t take care of myself first. So with that said, I’m putting this blog down and logging off for the rest of the day. I will take some time to meditate too as that always helps.